


Lost without you

by Silverlightning



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 10:53:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15970862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverlightning/pseuds/Silverlightning
Summary: Alex moves across the country to flee from his painful past. Bryce has spent a couple of years in a private treatment facility to analyze why he did the things he did and learn alternative ways to deal with his anger and frustration. They both have changed a lot but when they meet again the past haunts them once again.





	Lost without you

Alex let his eyes glide over the colorful book spines in search for a title on his required reading list. According to the library catalog, it should be right there. He had checked the shelf once already but couldn’t find the book he needed. Somehow he was reluctant to the disturb the peaceful silence and ask the librarian working at the counter for help. Even though she looked nice and approachable, directing a smile and a nod to everyone who entered. Alex grew tired of searching and let his eyes roam the room instead, noticing how stressed out many of the students looked. The term had started a few weeks ago and people were already feeling the pressure to keep up with demanding schedules as well as social life. The workload didn’t pressure Alex, although he grew tired more rapidly than others due to his head injuries. His wounds had healed years ago and the only echoes after the gunshot to the head was a scar, the way reading and learning exhausted him more nowadays and of course his stiff leg. Alex guessed that he had been pretty lucky to survive even though it definitely didn’t feel like that back then. 

Moving across the country, away from his hometown and everything involving Hannah Baker had done wonders for his will to live. He kept in contact with his friends who were scattered across the country, all of them trying to find new beginnings and new chances. He had deliberately chosen a fresh start after the criminal case against Bryce. He hadn’t been surprised that the sentence was mild and that Bryce would spend some years in a guarded treatment facility instead of prison. During the trial, he had supported Jessica but was happy to leave for college eventually. He had refocused on his grades the last couple of months of his high school years. All of a sudden getting out of that city had become very important and he needed the grades to do it. 

College was refreshingly different, the students more focused on their courses and reading lists than drama in hallways. Sure, there were still the popular jocks and cheerleaders with their weekend parties but he tried to stay clear of them. No one knew who he was or why he walked with a cane. When someone asked he mumbled something about a car accident, but people rarely did. The cane was part of his appearance now and no one questioned it or reacted to it in a negative way. He didn’t think about that night as often anymore, after all, it had been years since he tried to end his own life. This was his second year of college and he had learned to enjoy the interesting courses, the routines that campus life entailed and the superficial companionship of his classmates during group projects or lunchtime. Alex spent his free time learning how to handle the depression and anxiety that still was a part of him as well as the realization that he was indeed bisexual. In the beginning, he had been reluctant to admit to himself that he was attracted to men mostly because had been called a faggot for his hair and style for so long that he resented the idea of giving into that cliché. 

Alex moved down the shelf and rounded a corner in a desperate attempt to find the book he needed. He mused that somebody probably beat him to the book and had taken it away to the reading room. It was late in the term to get his reading in order but he had joined a psychology 101 course after the art class he was going to take got canceled because of low attendance. That’s why he wasn’t as prepared for this course as he usually was. Psychology wasn’t something he liked to delve into at school as well but it was the only course that hadn’t already started when he learned that art class wasn’t going to happen. 

Alex yawned and rubbed his eyes, tired from an exhausting night. He had not been able to sleep very well, haunted by anxious thoughts. In the light of the day, most of them seemed silly and he was glad that he now was able to recognize these thought patterns and was able to deal with them. It had been a long and difficult road to get there but he was proud that he had made it. 

Hushed voices broke the silence, probably somebody braver than him asking for help to locate the stacks. He couldn’t see the information desk from behind the shelf but somehow one of the voices seemed eerily familiar, even though he couldn’t really place it. He shook his head, wondering if the voice belonged to one of his classmates. It was difficult to distinguish because of the low volume and weird acoustic created by the high roof. He was about to peek out behind the shelf to check out who it was when he got distracted by a hand landing not so gently on his shoulder. 

Alex turned and looked into the sparkling green eyes of Brian, an Irish boy who recently moved to the US to study sociology. He was loud, boisterous and friendly. In his hands he held a bunch of papers, waving them back and forth, smiling.

“I got your notes, mate. You are lucky that you missed class it was booooohoooooring.” 

Alex took the offered notes and placed them in the black backpack he carried everywhere. If you are dependant on a cane it was surprisingly difficult to carry things in your hands. 

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Hopefully, this was the last time my PT is cross-scheduled with sociology class,” Alex whispered, in an effort not to the disturb the people around them. 

He exchanged some small-talk with his friend on the way out of the library, the familiar voice had already escaped his mind as he laughed about a joke Brian made about American food. 

Two days later Alex cast worried glances at his watch as he walked the hallways of an unknown building on campus. It had taken him longer than anticipated to find the location of his psychology class and getting there had proven to be difficult. The building was one of the colleges oldest, the stairs steep and the elevator out of order. Usually, Alex had no problem taking the stairs but he was running out of the time. When he arrived at the door to the designated room he was out of breath, slightly flushed and late. He hated being late and knew that it wasn’t the best impression to make on the first day. Alex really counted on the “cane-bonus” as he called the fact that people tended to be more considerate and understanding as soon as they noticed that he couldn’t walk properly.   
Alex knocked curtly after taking a deep breath. He didn’t wait for someone to invite him in but opened the door with more confidence that he was actually feeling. This was after all a different department, totally out of his usual field of study with people he had never met. 

Firstly, Alex's eyes landed on the professor, that casually leaned against the desk and held the book in his hand that Alex had tried but failed to locate yesterday. What a great start for him: being late and without the textbook they needed. He really had to make sure to buy it this afternoon, even though he tried to use mostly the library’s resources. Education was already expensive; he had enough money to get by but not in excess. 

“I guess you are Alex Standall, is that right?” The professor smiled welcoming and stroked his beard with one hand. 

“Yeah, sorry I am late. The elevator was out of order,” Alex explained but turned as he heard a gasp from the last row of chairs. 

Alex blanched and his pulse sped up as he his eyes fell onto Bryce Walker, staring at him with a shocked expression. Time slowed down for a moment and snippets of memories replayed in his head, none of them good. The other boy hadn’t changed much, but he appeared thinner and his clothes were more understated. He wore rimmed glasses and stubble across the cheeks. Alex hadn’t seen Bryce since the trail for Hannah and he felt like time was bending at the edges. He had moved across the country to never be reminded of his high-school years and yet here he was, staring at the boy who had caused so much pain, sorrow and heartbreak. A criminal attending a college class like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

The teacher didn’t seem to catch on to the interplay between the two boys and offered Alex a seat in the front row. Alex maneuvered his stiff leg to find a comfortable position on the hard chair while his mind reeled. Why was Bryce here? Had he been released already?   
He had no idea how to react to the presence of Bryce, he felt jumpy and on edge. 

Alex mind felt foggy, the thoughts racing so fast he couldn’t react but sat frozen while his eyes followed the movements of his teacher while a static ringing in his ears prevented him from hearing a single word. He could almost feel Bryce’ eyes burning holes into his back but he resisted the urge to turn around just to confirm that this wasn’t a figment of his imagination. 

“This terms class assignments will mostly consist of group projects,” the professor explained as he wandered slowly through the room. 

“The reason behind is that I hate to grade papers-” he was interrupted by a chuckle erupting from most students in the class, “but also because I believe that we can achieve more together. Learn from each other, help each other to go out of our comfort zone to make new discoveries about ourselves and about how our minds work.” 

Alex tried to listen to the teacher, breathing steadily and calmly. His breathing exercise came always handy when he felt overwhelmed. The truth was that he had thought he would never see Bryce again, would never have to look into those cold eyes and shudder at the thought of what that boy planned to make his life hell again. 

“In order to determine who gets to work with who I had my three-year-old daughter pull your names out of a hat. If you are so inclined you could say that universe determined your partnership. This lasts throughout the whole term and- before anyone asks- no you can’t change partnership just to team up with your friend. Remember, we are here to get out of our comfort zones. So be brave and conquer the unknown.” The professor pulled out a sheet of paper with names neatly written in rows that he proceeded to read aloud. 

Alex let the unknown names wash over him until his name was called. 

“Alex Standall is going to team up with Bryce Walker.”

Pure, ice cold dread filled Alex as he tried to comprehend what this meant, how this could have happened. There were 35 people attending that class and he still ended up with his former enemy, the person who was at least partly responsible that he tried to end his own life. His instincts told him to run, to leave the room right now, drop the class and even drop out of this college. During his years of therapy, he had learned however that his instincts weren’t always right and that it was important to look at things from a logical point of view. His mind provided him with a lot of reasons why he couldn’t drop this class- it would set him back a whole term because he wouldn’t get the credits needed. And more importantly, he really couldn’t drop out of college because he loved it here and he was determined to work hard for his future. 

The professor had moved on to hand out the first assignment, instructions printed on a sheet of paper that was now neatly placed on the desk before him. It didn’t seem too complicated: they had to read up on Freud and Jung to be able to analyze a case description based on each to highlight different perspectives. Alex hated that his feelings for this class now were overshadowed by the past because he really liked the teachers approach to learning and the class seemed interesting. Alex mulled over the fact that the professor had said that they were no changes allowed. Certainly, if there were special circumstances he would be able to make an exception? On the other hand, Alex hated getting a special treatment out of pity for his injuries and didn’t want his classmates to think that he used that to get favors the others couldn’t. Despite that, if he wanted to ask the teacher to change his partner he had to explain why and he wasn’t sure that was something he wanted to do. How could he even summarize why being teamed up with Bryce was a bad idea? 

While the thoughts tumbled through his head Alex remained silent and followed the professor's explanation and introduction to the different schools of thought they were looking at. 

“You guys have two weeks to complete this first assignment. Instead of class next week you will spend the time working on that project. Please don’t forget to present your findings in an interesting and appealing way. That was all for today, I suggest you find your partner and get to know each other because you are going to spend a great deal of time with each other this term. Good luck,” the professor concluded and waved with his hands, gesturing that they were dismissed. 

Immediately people around him started to chatter, some voices sounded nervous, some shy and timid and others loud and happy. It took him a while to maneuver out of the chair and get his things packed in his backpack. By the time he looked up, he met familiar eyes. Alex swallowed hard and clenched his fist. By closer inspection Bryce seemed more different, the cold look in his eyes and his signature condescending smirk were gone and replaced by something that almost looked like a shy smile. Maybe the guy was just a really good actor and tried to seem nice in front of the professor.

“Hi Alex,” Bryce whispered and broke their eye contact after a couple of seconds to lower his glance to the ground. 

“Erm, hiya,” Alex replied, feeling like he was suddenly part of some shitty tv-show without knowing the script. 

Silence settled between them as Alex shuffled back and forth with his good leg, itching to leave the room and present company. 

“Seems like we are partners,” Bryce broke the silence by stating the obvious. The old hatred for the boy welled up in Alex and he furrowed his brow in anger.

“Yeah for now,” he spat, disgust edged into his features. Of course, this was just an empty threat because he knew that he would not ask for a new partner. 

“I understand,” Bryce mumbled, hunching his shoulders, a sad smile lingering on his face. 

“I am sorry that this makes you uncomfortable, I never thought I would meet anyone from home here,” Bryce sounded genuinely concerned which led Alex to gape at him in surprise. 

That must have been the nicest thing Bryce ever said to him, his voice sounded warm and soft. Alex shook his head to get rid of the feeling that somehow the person standing in front of him, hands buried in his pockets, didn’t match the memory stored in his brain labeled “the monster”. 

Bryce looked actually like many of the other students. Gone were his designer clothes, big watches, and expensive brand shoes. Just by looking at him you would not be able to tell what his background was. The glasses made him look approachable, which was why he wore a pair just like them during the trail. They transformed his face in a way that was surprising and when he smiled softly, he almost looked like he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Confronted with this older version of Bryce Alex had to remind himself that he probably was just as much of a condescending asshole and criminal as he always had been. Even if Alex agreed to work with Bryce he needed to have his guard up at all times. There was no way of telling how and when Bryce would decide to fuck him over. 

“How do you want to go about this? I mean until you get a new partner we should probably start working on the assignment, right?” Bryce inquired after Alex had just stared at him in silence. It actually sounded like a question and not an order, which was how Bryce used to address people. 

“Yeah, I guess. We could divide up the assignment, we take each a school of thought. That way we just need to do the analyzing part together,” Alex sighed reluctantly and carded his hand through his short cropped hair. 

Bryce nodded but seemed reluctant to leave just yet. 

„Maybe we should exchange contact details? So that we can mail over our parts and make plans to meet up for the analysis that we need to do together?“ 

Bryce shifted from one foot to the other, his hands still buried in his pockets. Alex just stared at his former enemy for a couple of seconds, watching how the other male bit his lips nervously. A part of him wanted to tell Bryce to fuck off, no way in hell he would meet up with him let alone give him his contact details. The rational part of his brain convinced him to nod and dig out his phone from the depths of his backpack. 

He offered his phone to Bryce and looked at him warily while he typed in his number and email address. When he got the phone back it was still warm from Bryce‘ hands. Alex swallowed hard at the sudden memory of a party that he had spent on the lounge chairs at Bryce house by the pool while everyone else partied inside. Bryce had found him and joined him in silence. They both passed a cigarette between them and started talking after a while- about the future and dreams. This was unlike any other conversation he had ever had with Bryce. Somehow the older Bryce reminded him of the boy he had been that night- serious, calm and somewhat broken. 

„I need to read up on the subject and contact you when I am done with my part. Still, need to buy the textbook though, it wasn‘t available at the library.“ Alex hoisted his backpack on his shoulder and grabbed his cane ready to leave. 

„It's pretty expensive, that's why I got mine from the library. There were a couple of them available but I guess people borrowed them before you could.“ 

Alex spared Bryce a surprised glance and started walking towards the door. Since when was anything too expensive for Bryce Walker? 

„Shit. Gonna check it out when I get back to the dorm,“ Alex made his way towards the stairs, anticipating Bryce to walk ahead but the other boy just slowed his steps to walk next to Alex. When they reached the stairs Alex had to take a deep breath. His leg hurt already from the exertion of walking to class. Now he had to make it all the way down, a task that seemed difficult right now. 

Alex took the first step and flinched as pain lit his nerves on fire. He gritted his teeth and dragged his leg down another step. This time the pain made him lose his balance for a second. Before he could reach out to the rail he was steadied by the strong grip of warm hands on his elbow and the small of his back. 

„Let me help you, Alex. These steps are a nightmare. Just lean on me,“ Bryce spoke softly as if he knew that Alex didn’t want any attention drawn to his struggles. 

Alex wanted to decline but realized that declining was a luxury he didn’t have right now. So he leaned heavily onto Bryce body, cursing his own weak one inwardly. It was awkward and uncomfortable being so close that he could feel the other's breath against his cheek. 

When they finally reached the bottom of the stairs Alex breathed a sigh of relief and untangled himself from the one person he really wasn’t keen on being in close proximity to. 

„Thank you,“ he mumbled, embarrassed by the fact that he needed help in the first place. 

They said their goodbyes like they were strangers that just met in college and not two people weighed down by the past and their guilt. Alex dreaded to text Jessica this evening because he had no idea how he could explain to her that he now was teamed up with her rapist and hadn‘t done more to come out of this situation out of sheer embarrassment and selfishness. 

While walking through the gardens Alex decided that it was much better to keep that information to himself for the time being. He could make it through this term and then proceed to live his life without Bryce in it. The college was big after all.


End file.
